Make War

I wrote the following about a year ago in my journal after seeing the above video on a friends blog. I was mesmerized by the song and Piper's comment at the beginning. At the same time we were getting ready for our women's retreat and looking at the lives of Ruth, Esther and Abigail.

"There have been a lot of things going through my mind lately so I'm hoping writing them down will help me sort it all out. I have learned a great deal about myself in the last few months thanks to a beautiful 12 year old girl and 2 year old boy. Many of the things I have found in me, I do not like.
I am learning that I need to allow my expectations of myself change. Often I become consumed by guilt that I don't always cook healthy (or cook at all), keep a sanitary home, have things orderly and organized, or feed my kids cute organic meals (wish, not happening). My traditional image of a family and household does not fit into my reality, and for so long to long I have allowed that to bother me. My husband is home a majority of the time and I work. To be honest he is much better at home than I am. He stays calm, doesn't get easily frustrated and is motivated to clean. So why is it so hard? Why does my expectations drive so much tiring guilt within my mind and heart?
Through all of this questioning of who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, person in ministry...I have found a role that I did not know I needed to be. The role of a warrior.
I'm not going to paint my fave blue, sport a kilt and scream "FREEDOM!" at my poor neighbors or channel Joan of Arc and sport nothing at all while riding a horse down the street. But I am, in fact, a warrior. Everyday I must war/fight for my marriage and my children as the culture around us wars back. I have realized how much we are enemies of the Enemy and how the battle will always rage until Christ returns.  When thinking of women of the Bible I often picture meek and mild women in robes. I could not be more wrong. Ruth, Esther, Abigail, Tamar, Rahab...these were warriors. My grandmother, beautiful, quite, noble meek, wise; has warred her own battles. I always say she is as gentle as a whisper, but as strong as an oak. I want that. I want to be loving, gentle, loyal, kindhearted, giving to those in need, an encourager....
and I want to be fierce.
So:
When it comes to the clothes and music society tells my daughther she should wear. I will war.
When the spirit of insecurity begins to cloud her precious heart. I will war.
When schools overstep their roles. I will war.
When the enemy attacks my marriage. I will war.
When religion threatens to dampen The relationship. I will war.
When authority is presented as an evil. I will war.
When the world and even church becomes tolerant of sin. I will war
When culture tells my son he must treat a woman in an ungodly way. I will war.
When my own flesh gets in the way. I will war with my own self."

So that's what I have been doing. Little did I know when I wrote this the very battle-lines would be placed within my own family and then even into my own home. Blows have been dealt that I fear will leave me reeling emotionally for some time. Why am I so surprised?? Didn't I declare war? I have been fighting, and losing. I told a friend recently it's like all the weak spots of my armor have been hit the hardest. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I wonder if I can go on. That's when truth hit me so violently the breathe was knocked out of my heart.
I have been wearing the wrong armor. I'm going into the battle ill equipped. Because it is mine I have been failing.
The armor of God has a much better fit. Not only that, He leads the way. He wants declares and decrees, victory for my marriage and in the life of my kids for His glory, just as much as I do!
Simple divine truths. I'm a slow learner.
I began reading a book today on insecurity. I'm unearthing old roots that have been far to neglected and it. stinks. However, I am finding some of the issues that don't allow me to fight with victory as my banner.
All that to say, that's where I'm at. Not sure what will happen from here, but rest assured it is not for the faint of heart.

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:11-13

Grace and Peace
.